If the Royals Were Nations: The Pitchers

But of that troubled lot, the journeyman middle relievers of the world, he's one of the best. He's even lacking the John Bale self-destruction gene, and has had a modicum of stability, serving all those years in Texas. Add it up, and he's the Montenegro of the staff: the quasi-stable, non-horrible journeyman, just as Montenegro is the rich, peaceful, beautiful jewel of the Balkans. Mahay earning $4 million last season is the equivalent of that hardcore poker tournament in Montenegro that was featured in Casino Royale, his years in Arlington, equalling Monty's time with Yugoslavia.

Gil Meche: He's not the fastest worker and he has a reputation for being inefficient. He's at once a little under-rated, yet also acknowledged, now, to be "solid". Gil Meche is the non-fun parts of Brazil of the Royals. Brazil dominates South America in basically every way, and shows up on a lot of world leaderboards for various things, yet is still kinda that weird country with the funky flag. It's about as powerful as you can be without deserving a spot on the UN Security Council in anyway. Is it even in the G8? All sounds like Meche really, right there as an asset, but not quite a force. Meche has non of Brazil's flair, he's got not an ounce of Rio in his game. Meche might finish his career with the highest ratio in history of money earned or WARP numbers posted in relation to jersey sales. No, he's a modernist office park in Brasilia, staffed with guys who take forever to do anything because they're planning their next weekend trip or watching soccer on TV or because they're surrounded by hot women.

Can you find Gil?

Joel Peralta: Peralta allowed the most homers per nine innings last season of any reliever in baseball, making him the Gaza Strip. As in, he's frequently bombed. zing!

Horacio Ramirez: Hmm... Farnsy is the C.A.R., Bale is a nonexistent micronation, so where does that love lovable old former Brave and pointless Royal retread Horacio Ramirez? Ho-Ram's a proven poor starter, but was actually decent last season, as a Royal at least, out of the 'pen. Of course, doing the same thing with Chicago in the same season, he was then awful again. And he doesn't make the league minimum... You know what? I'm gonna be nice with this one. Ho-Ram is Kyrgyzstan, a nearly entirely unknown nation in Central Asia. Honorable mention for Ho-Ram is Thailand. Can you guess why?

Joakim Soria: Probably the coolest Royals player since Bo Jackson, and easily one of the ten best relievers in baseball, and that's being conservative. Somehow, he's able to look like the guy from Malcolm in the Middle yet legitimately carry the nickname "The Mexicutioner". As a closer, he's not really a heavy lifter, and he isn't placed in a position where he can carry a team. What he can do is, well, finish the job. All in all, this makes him Great Britain in a James Bond Movie. Look, Britain can't win the Cold War for you, and really can't even defend Europe, but if you need to send in one man to execute a bad guy, sleep with three beautiful Romanian women, defuse multiple bombs, survive a poisoning, and climb up the side of a building over one weekend, somehow it just makes sense that a British guy is better suited to pull this off than someone from, oh I dunno, Georgia. Kyle Davies is gonna drink too much beer, punch the wrong person, and screw up the mission, even though you'd think he'd make a better fighter. Corollary: Mike MacDougal is Great Britain during the Spice Girls era.

Robinson Tejeda: I suppose if Ho-Ram is Kyrgyzstan (which actually looks cool as hell, oh well, let's keep it) then that would make Robinson Tejeda... what's left of the Aral Sea. I understand that this is not actually a nation.

Doug Waechter: Really, Waechter has got to be Florida. Have you ever heard of someone pitching for the Devil Rays (as they were at the time) for four straight seasons? He was a longtime Devil Ray! Do you know how many pitchers have passed through the Trop in this decade? And the most amazing part was that he was never even really good. Better still, after washing out in Tampa, he resurfaced with, that's right, the Marlins. So, let's honor this dedicated Florida man. Obviously, he's another great pickup by Moore, as he had an ERA+ in the 70s three out of four seasons (and all of the last three) then one good year in Florida, pitching in a swamp. I think his numbers will translate well to a neutral field in the stronger league!

Yasuhiko Yabuta: Every other team gets to bring in a guy from Japan who, for three months (aka his first time through the league) is completely baffling and unhittable. Not the Royals. Yabuta was, from the start, hittable. But hey, everything else from Japan has worked out: Bale's a team leader and inspirational dynamo and Hillman's the best manager in the game.Yabuta: a concept that has worked out for everyone else, but in this case went disastrously wrong. He's the Clipperton Island of the Royals. Every other tropical island in the world turned out to be a nice place to live, and many even turned into profitable little trade centers or sources of cheap labor making one product. Not Clipperton, which is now uninhabited. In the early twentieth century however, a guano company (make joke here) tried to establish a colony there. Problem was, the relied on ships from Mexico for supplies every few months, only the Mexican ships eventually stopped coming due to, you guessed it, internal strife. The settlement was founded in 1906, and by 1915, nearly everyone was dead. In the end, there was one male left, and fifteen women and children. You can probably figure what happened next: after a reign of terror, the man was finally killed. The last survivors were picked up in 1917. All this is a long way of saying, Yabuta!

Bale for the A-Rod thing is still hilarious. Given that he s actually, you know, a pretty good pitcher, I m starting to wonder if you wouldn t fit in with KC s F.O. after all.

Both were created in 1979, both started off their relative careers with a one hit wonder (okay, 2 hits in 2 innings pitched for Roman) and pretty good success in their first year, but both faded into relative obscurity/crappiness and/or laughingstockness.

Then came 2008, with a minor resurgence for both, if headlining a concert with Whitesnake in Padua, Italy counts as a resurgence. (I guess that would be like teaming up with Kip Wells or Brett Tomko to close out a game.) Also, both are making a bid for some success in May 2009 Europe with a new album and I m sure Roman s hoping for a chance to make it to the majors with the inevitable early season injury to one of our pitchers.

Brazilian version that the male characters are basically the same, but the female characters are all played by models (although Phyllis and Meredith are played by catalogue models).

Brazilian version, the women are all impossibly beautiful and inexplicably wear bikinis all the time, and the sexual innuendo jokes are rampant and unsubtle, but what the show actually shows is rather chaste (which is not surprising given the country's religious demographics). The one exception is the annual Carnival episode, in which the cast spends the entire episode completely naked.

Britain retain it
3) why would Argentina want it (yes, yes, I know, the junta needed to distract the public)
4) why would they both fight over it

I really, really, remember following the war it as a kid, but on a weirdly objective level. I m sure it would be waaay more horrifying now.

Islas Malvinas, please. (Glad to see you corrected yourself below.)

You don t want to be saying that when you re in Argentina. Especially Patagonia. You re bound to start some trouble if you will. Or at least, that s what absolutely every guide book, and even some actual random tour guides, said.

Welsh speaking people who emigrated decades ago? I think i read something in National Geographic or something a while back. I think it was there, was pretty fascinating.

Mexican Spanish. This seems to be a big deal to people who teach Spanish. With Omaha s growing Hispanic population, you would think that many would major in Spanish, or at least minor in it, but they don t because of the snobbish attitude of the faculty (speaking true Spanish Castillian?).

I m not sure it s even the coolest thing in Argentine Patagonia, but in terms of interesting, sizable towns in the middle of nowhere, it s up there. And the Beagle is something else.

Dude, you should totally go. There s got to be a good English/American Lit reason to go

I said, the weather is more iffy, but the views are astounding when the clouds clear and there are definitely things you can find to do that are great fun and require little to no hiking endurance.

Even in broader Patagonia, there are still a lot of options. There are lots of middle-aged (and beyond) tourists wandering around. If you choose your spots right, you can get away with very little physical activity (Punta Arenas, Bariloche, El Calafate), and there are some spots that in addition to strenuous hikes have options for beautiful, easy hikes (Cerro Torre at El Chalten, to name one).

If you have the urge and the time and the lack of childcare responsibilities, it s the experience of a lifetime.